Have you ever felt as though you are completely alone in the world? That despite how many people claim they understand, nobody truly understands what you are going through?
Well, I have a secret for you:
Everyone feels that way.
I know what you’re thinking- no way everyone feels this way.
Well, believe it.
I am a 25-year-old Wife, Mom of a 1-year old boy, and Caretaker of 2 other children ages 8 months and 1.5 years. I stay home with the kids, yet I am still very social. I go out on day trips when I can, we go to dinner with friends, we have playdates- I love to get out and have fun.
If you were to see me out and about, you probably wouldn’t even cast me a second glance. I am just a typical young mom who is enjoying life.
However, that isn’t even close to the whole story.
On the outside, I am a happy, loving, and semi-pulled-together woman.
On the inside, I am all kinds of crazy.
When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Minor Depression. The very first medication I was put on to combat the anxiety gave me hallucinations. If you have ever had hallucinations, you probably know how completely terrifying they can be. If you haven’t, I pray you never do. I was only 14 and was seeing monsters, then men shooting at me- and nobody else saw them. That was the first time I was hospitalized for mental health- and unfortunately not even close to the last.
Between 2007 and 2014, I was hospitalized 11 separate times for mental health. I have had numerous diagnoses- only half of which have actually stuck. I attempted suicide 3 times and I have scars from cutting all up my arm from self-harm.
I have severe anger-management problems, I hate when I don’t have full control over everything, I have meltdowns constantly, I can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time, I cannot stand being interrupted, and God forbid I forget to eat (being hangrey is a real struggle with me).
I have been beaten by family, homeless in a world I knew nothing about, raped, abused, used for sex just to get pregnant and have a miscarriage at 16 weeks then dumped cold because of my instability- my life has been full of hurt and pain.
I am far from perfect. I am far from normal. I have a whole lot of struggles.
I am also human.
I have actually had many people look at me in shock when I tell them about my depression. I cannot count the number of times I have been told “But you don’t look like someone with mental illness.”
What exactly does someone with mental illness look like?
Mental illness looks like a Mom at the park laughing as she pushes her child on the swing.
Mental illness looks like an older gentleman speaking loudly on his phone while riding the bus.
Metal illness looks like the store clerk who helped millions of cranky customers on Back Friday and is still smiling at the end of their shift.
Mental illness looks like the teenagers walking around a mall on the weekend just having fun.
Mental illness is the kid sitting alone at lunch because she is too shy to ask others if she can join them.
Mental illness looks like a 25-year-old Wife, Mom of a 1 yearold boy, and Caretaker of 2 other children ages 8 months and 1.5 years who stays home with the kids, and is still very social.
I have, do, and always will suffer from mental illness. There is no cure- however, there is treatment, and, above all, there is a HUGE community of support from, and for, every walk of life.
I have been through hell and back just so that I can be a positive advocate for mental health. I have had many difficult experiences- and many amazing ones- so that I can help others going through similar experiences.
I chose to blog because I have been blessed with the ability to communicate with words what I and many others are unable to otherwise communicate with speech. I hope through my posts, I am able to bring hope and support to everyone who suffers from mental health, as well as those who love someone who suffers.
I am unashamed and not easily embarrassed or offended. I will be completely open and honest, and I welcome questions and communication.
I look forward to sharing my life experiences with you and pray I can help you through your own experiences.
Hi! Welcome to my first ever blog. It’s always been something I’ve wanted to do but never knew where to start. Being part of Speaking Our Mind is an awesome opportunity to spread my wings and grow more as an individual.
If you find my first few blogs awful, let me know. Actually don’t! They will get better. I hope haha.
It’s Friday afternoon and the sun is shining with almost Spring like weather at 40 degrees! In Minnesota anything above 40 is considered t-shirt weather. We have quite a bit of snow still and most people are anxiously awaiting the change of the season. I know I am! Spring cleaning and getting fresh air into the house are what I look forward to after a long and cold Winter. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Winter. The snow, the crisp air, Christmas, and etc. It’s beautiful. I’m just ready for warmer weather and flip flops. Who doesn’t love pedi’s and flip flops?! Amirite?
Anyways, enough about the weather...
I want to tell you a little bit about myself!
I am a wife, mom and a teacher. Along with many other roles, those are the main three that define who I am as a person.
Helping & teaching people has always been my passion in life. Ever since I was a little girl I would play house & school. It’s funny how you know what you were destined for at such a young age. Not everyone is as fortunate to know what they want to do with life and that’s ok! I’ve just always known what I was meant to be.
You might be thinking, “what else does this lady do? What does she do for fun? Hobbies?”. Well let me tell you! I enjoy reading, relaxing, snuggling in bed (and sleep), watching short track Racing at Elko Speedway, fishing, swimming (in a pool, not the lake) and being with family/friends. I am not a wine drinker- give me all the beer- and I enjoy steak, junk food & a good salad. How’s that for a little about me?
I could probably write (ramble) all day so I’ll leave it at this for now.
Xo, mama needs a blogger name ;)
Yes this is meant for you, yeah I’m talking to you. Do you know the pain you have caused me? I loved you, whether you believe it or not. And all I feel is heartache and pain... you seem perfectly fine and I guess that’s what hurts me even more.
But it’s my time to move on. It’s my time to be happy. It’s my time to be loved by someone who truly cares about me... yeah we had some great memories together but you don’t understand me and all you’ve done is hurt me.
I’m done allowing you to hurt me... I’m over it. I hope you are happy right now, one day you will realize how special I am. One day you’ll realize what you lost. One day you will regret it all.
But good luck. You have broken my heart for the last time. I am better off with out you in my life.
I will always love you, but you don’t deserve my love anymore.