Have you ever felt as though you are completely alone in the world? That despite how many people claim they understand, nobody truly understands what you are going through?
Well, I have a secret for you:
Everyone feels that way.
I know what you’re thinking- no way everyone feels this way.
Well, believe it.
I am a 25-year-old Wife, Mom of a 1-year old boy, and Caretaker of 2 other children ages 8 months and 1.5 years. I stay home with the kids, yet I am still very social. I go out on day trips when I can, we go to dinner with friends, we have playdates- I love to get out and have fun.
If you were to see me out and about, you probably wouldn’t even cast me a second glance. I am just a typical young mom who is enjoying life.
However, that isn’t even close to the whole story.
On the outside, I am a happy, loving, and semi-pulled-together woman.
On the inside, I am all kinds of crazy.
When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Minor Depression. The very first medication I was put on to combat the anxiety gave me hallucinations. If you have ever had hallucinations, you probably know how completely terrifying they can be. If you haven’t, I pray you never do. I was only 14 and was seeing monsters, then men shooting at me- and nobody else saw them. That was the first time I was hospitalized for mental health- and unfortunately not even close to the last.
Between 2007 and 2014, I was hospitalized 11 separate times for mental health. I have had numerous diagnoses- only half of which have actually stuck. I attempted suicide 3 times and I have scars from cutting all up my arm from self-harm.
I have severe anger-management problems, I hate when I don’t have full control over everything, I have meltdowns constantly, I can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time, I cannot stand being interrupted, and God forbid I forget to eat (being hangrey is a real struggle with me).
I have been beaten by family, homeless in a world I knew nothing about, raped, abused, used for sex just to get pregnant and have a miscarriage at 16 weeks then dumped cold because of my instability- my life has been full of hurt and pain.
I am far from perfect. I am far from normal. I have a whole lot of struggles.
I am also human.
I have actually had many people look at me in shock when I tell them about my depression. I cannot count the number of times I have been told “But you don’t look like someone with mental illness.”
What exactly does someone with mental illness look like?
Mental illness looks like a Mom at the park laughing as she pushes her child on the swing.
Mental illness looks like an older gentleman speaking loudly on his phone while riding the bus.
Metal illness looks like the store clerk who helped millions of cranky customers on Back Friday and is still smiling at the end of their shift.
Mental illness looks like the teenagers walking around a mall on the weekend just having fun.
Mental illness is the kid sitting alone at lunch because she is too shy to ask others if she can join them.
Mental illness looks like a 25-year-old Wife, Mom of a 1 yearold boy, and Caretaker of 2 other children ages 8 months and 1.5 years who stays home with the kids, and is still very social.
I have, do, and always will suffer from mental illness. There is no cure- however, there is treatment, and, above all, there is a HUGE community of support from, and for, every walk of life.
I have been through hell and back just so that I can be a positive advocate for mental health. I have had many difficult experiences- and many amazing ones- so that I can help others going through similar experiences.
I chose to blog because I have been blessed with the ability to communicate with words what I and many others are unable to otherwise communicate with speech. I hope through my posts, I am able to bring hope and support to everyone who suffers from mental health, as well as those who love someone who suffers.
I am unashamed and not easily embarrassed or offended. I will be completely open and honest, and I welcome questions and communication.
I look forward to sharing my life experiences with you and pray I can help you through your own experiences.