Have you ever felt as though you are completely alone in the world? That despite how many people claim they understand, nobody truly understands what you are going through?
Well, I have a secret for you:
Everyone feels that way.
I know what you’re thinking- no way everyone feels this way.
Well, believe it.
I am a 25-year-old Wife, Mom of a 1-year old boy, and Caretaker of 2 other children ages 8 months and 1.5 years. I stay home with the kids, yet I am still very social. I go out on day trips when I can, we go to dinner with friends, we have playdates- I love to get out and have fun.
If you were to see me out and about, you probably wouldn’t even cast me a second glance. I am just a typical young mom who is enjoying life.
However, that isn’t even close to the whole story.
On the outside, I am a happy, loving, and semi-pulled-together woman.
On the inside, I am all kinds of crazy.
When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Minor Depression. The very first medication I was put on to combat the anxiety gave me hallucinations. If you have ever had hallucinations, you probably know how completely terrifying they can be. If you haven’t, I pray you never do. I was only 14 and was seeing monsters, then men shooting at me- and nobody else saw them. That was the first time I was hospitalized for mental health- and unfortunately not even close to the last.
Between 2007 and 2014, I was hospitalized 11 separate times for mental health. I have had numerous diagnoses- only half of which have actually stuck. I attempted suicide 3 times and I have scars from cutting all up my arm from self-harm.
I have severe anger-management problems, I hate when I don’t have full control over everything, I have meltdowns constantly, I can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time, I cannot stand being interrupted, and God forbid I forget to eat (being hangrey is a real struggle with me).
I have been beaten by family, homeless in a world I knew nothing about, raped, abused, used for sex just to get pregnant and have a miscarriage at 16 weeks then dumped cold because of my instability- my life has been full of hurt and pain.
I am far from perfect. I am far from normal. I have a whole lot of struggles.
I am also human.
I have actually had many people look at me in shock when I tell them about my depression. I cannot count the number of times I have been told “But you don’t look like someone with mental illness.”
What exactly does someone with mental illness look like?
Mental illness looks like a Mom at the park laughing as she pushes her child on the swing.
Mental illness looks like an older gentleman speaking loudly on his phone while riding the bus.
Metal illness looks like the store clerk who helped millions of cranky customers on Back Friday and is still smiling at the end of their shift.
Mental illness looks like the teenagers walking around a mall on the weekend just having fun.
Mental illness is the kid sitting alone at lunch because she is too shy to ask others if she can join them.
Mental illness looks like a 25-year-old Wife, Mom of a 1 yearold boy, and Caretaker of 2 other children ages 8 months and 1.5 years who stays home with the kids, and is still very social.
I have, do, and always will suffer from mental illness. There is no cure- however, there is treatment, and, above all, there is a HUGE community of support from, and for, every walk of life.
I have been through hell and back just so that I can be a positive advocate for mental health. I have had many difficult experiences- and many amazing ones- so that I can help others going through similar experiences.
I chose to blog because I have been blessed with the ability to communicate with words what I and many others are unable to otherwise communicate with speech. I hope through my posts, I am able to bring hope and support to everyone who suffers from mental health, as well as those who love someone who suffers.
I am unashamed and not easily embarrassed or offended. I will be completely open and honest, and I welcome questions and communication.
I look forward to sharing my life experiences with you and pray I can help you through your own experiences.
Hi! Welcome to my first ever blog. It’s always been something I’ve wanted to do but never knew where to start. Being part of Speaking Our Mind is an awesome opportunity to spread my wings and grow more as an individual.
If you find my first few blogs awful, let me know. Actually don’t! They will get better. I hope haha.
It’s Friday afternoon and the sun is shining with almost Spring like weather at 40 degrees! In Minnesota anything above 40 is considered t-shirt weather. We have quite a bit of snow still and most people are anxiously awaiting the change of the season. I know I am! Spring cleaning and getting fresh air into the house are what I look forward to after a long and cold Winter. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Winter. The snow, the crisp air, Christmas, and etc. It’s beautiful. I’m just ready for warmer weather and flip flops. Who doesn’t love pedi’s and flip flops?! Amirite?
Anyways, enough about the weather...
I want to tell you a little bit about myself!
I am a wife, mom and a teacher. Along with many other roles, those are the main three that define who I am as a person.
Helping & teaching people has always been my passion in life. Ever since I was a little girl I would play house & school. It’s funny how you know what you were destined for at such a young age. Not everyone is as fortunate to know what they want to do with life and that’s ok! I’ve just always known what I was meant to be.
You might be thinking, “what else does this lady do? What does she do for fun? Hobbies?”. Well let me tell you! I enjoy reading, relaxing, snuggling in bed (and sleep), watching short track Racing at Elko Speedway, fishing, swimming (in a pool, not the lake) and being with family/friends. I am not a wine drinker- give me all the beer- and I enjoy steak, junk food & a good salad. How’s that for a little about me?
I could probably write (ramble) all day so I’ll leave it at this for now.
Xo, mama needs a blogger name ;)
Yes this is meant for you, yeah I’m talking to you. Do you know the pain you have caused me? I loved you, whether you believe it or not. And all I feel is heartache and pain... you seem perfectly fine and I guess that’s what hurts me even more.
But it’s my time to move on. It’s my time to be happy. It’s my time to be loved by someone who truly cares about me... yeah we had some great memories together but you don’t understand me and all you’ve done is hurt me.
I’m done allowing you to hurt me... I’m over it. I hope you are happy right now, one day you will realize how special I am. One day you’ll realize what you lost. One day you will regret it all.
But good luck. You have broken my heart for the last time. I am better off with out you in my life.
I will always love you, but you don’t deserve my love anymore.
What is true happiness? Do you know? Do I know? Does anyone know??
“Happiness, true happiness, is an inner quality. It is a state of mind. If your mind is at peace, you are happy. If your mind is at peace, but you have nothing else, you can be happy. If you have everything the world can give - pleasure, possessions, power - but lack peace of mind, you can never be happy.”
I read that quote over and over, only becoming more confused with the meaning of true happiness. Is anyone truly happy? I guess I don’t know the answer to that question. What I do believe is that true happiness to one person is completely different to another person. But really I don’t know what that means.
Baseball and racing have brought me what I would consider to be true happiness. But family is also the rock of true happiness in my life. With racing and baseball you could feel many ups and downs, and I believe that when you win or succeeded it feels that much better.
One of the darkest days of my life took place on Friday, August 26, 2016. I thought my life was over, I had given up. I had nothing left. Nothing worth living for. The following day I was supposed to be racing at Elko Speedway. I was done. Didn’t want to go and didn’t want to be there. Told my brother and Mom that I wasn’t going to race. My brother sat me down and said we are going racing and we are going to have fun.
We went out and I recall practice not going very well, car just wasn’t right. My brother made a few minor adjustments for the heat race, we drew pretty poorly and were going to be starting dead last... nothing could go my way. Everything was horrible. Starting 11th in a heat race and needing to finish 5th to even make inversion seemed like a stretch... especially with only 8 laps to do.
Some how on the last lap we got by two cars.. finishing 5th. That put us on the outside pole for the feature race. Car still wasn’t right and I still didn’t want to be at Elko that night. Didn’t care about damn thing and was still extremely depressed. My brother made a few more adjustments to the car and told me it was perfect. I couldn’t help but laugh with all the struggles we had over the last month racing. My girlfriend who was back at college at the time sent me a couple messages to try motivate me and get me going a little bit. I missed her so much at that time, all I wanted was for her to be home and to be with me. I told her I was going to go out and try win the feature race for her.
We took the green flag, lap one I took the lead and as the laps ticked off my lead continued to grow. The car was a rocket, my brother had it dialed in. I was beyond motivated inside that car, I was going to win this race and the first person I was going to call was my girlfriend. I looked up in my mirror with about 5 laps to go and saw my great uncle was running in 2nd. He was about a straight away behind me at the time. Couple laps went by and I looked up in my mirror and saw the guy who ended up winning the championship that year. Still a ways back from catching, I knew with only 2 laps to go he wasn’t going to catch me.
I took the white flag (one to go) and as I came out of turn two the caution lights came. No way... you’ve got to be kidding me, how could this happen?? I had led every lap and was half a lap away from getting the win... only to have it ripped out from underneath me. Fitting that this would be how I’d lose this race. It was a green, white, checkered... NASCAR Overtime. I tried to jump the start and I spun my tires... the 2nd place guy got to my outside going into turn one. I thought it was over. I pushed up a little coming out of turn two (never made contact) and it was enough to cause him to get a little lose. We came to the white flag and I was clear by about half a car length. We went into one and he got outside of me again, I got a little sideways off two but so did he. It was a drag race down the back straightaway. As we came out of turn 4 coming to the checkered flag I got all kinds of outta shape... yep... I won that son of a bitch.
I had no reaction. Nothing. I wasn’t excited, I wasn’t happy, I was nothing. All I wanted was for my girlfriend to be there and she wasn’t.
Writing this right now has brought tears to my eyes.
As I came around to pull up to the flag stand and do my interview with the track announcer I saw my mom, grandma, sister standing up against the fence by the flag stand. I still wished my girlfriend was there... it was the only thing on my mind. I didn’t see my brother but I knew he was standing there. I always looked for him.
During the on track interview I was kind of speechless, didn’t have much to say and was still pretty down. I had announced that morning that 2016 would be my last year racing (maybe...). I needed a break from it, and 2017 was my break. The announcer questioned me on if my win had changed my mind, I said we will have to just wait and see what the future brings. As I pulled off the track into victory lane which is located on the main grandstand concourse I finally saw my brother. Tears running down his face.
He knew the struggles I had been going through the last few weeks. Once I was parked he leaned in my window net as he was crying and gave me a hug. Everything was forgotten about at that moment. The only thing that matter was my brother and that moment we were in. I started sobbing as he held on to me. I can tell you that, that moment was one of the most special moments in my life. He has helped me through every struggle and no matter what our differences are he is always there. I couldn’t help but continue to cry... I couldn’t find it in me to even get out of the car.
I tried to regain my composure the best I could.. I finally got out and did my normal victory lane celebration (honoring Joey Logano). I jumped down from the door of my car and was greeted by many friends and family. I was still a wreck emotionally. Lot of people were crying (happy tears and sad tears). But we had done it. We had over come everything.
I just wish my girlfriend would have been there. I can only imagine how special that moment would have been. Once we got through tech and the win was made official I called her. I could feel the happiness in her voice and at that moment everything went away. I was happy. I felt perfect. I felt amazing. I had made it through weeks of darkness... talking to her and hearing her voice made everything better. It honestly made everything go away. I felt true happiness at that moment. I couldn’t believe we did it, was still in shock. I told her I did it. I did it for her, and the first words out of her mouth were, “Do I get the trophy then?” Yes.
The point of this blog post was to show that no matter how dark things get, no matter how down you are, things will get better. And you will find that checkered flag that makes everything go away, that makes everything better. And at that moment you will be truly happy.
See you soon,
When I decided that I was going to create this blog it took me awhile to figure out exactly what I wanted it to be. I knew I wanted it to be a place where I could reflect on things and express myself, but I also knew that I wanted to help others. I wanted to give people a place where they could go to read about other people’s struggles and they could see how they get through every day.
I also wanted to give people a place to express their thoughts, visions, and share stories with others.
So as you can see, I need writers. I need people who are willing to open up to the world and share their stories! Share their visions! And share their thoughts! I hope I can find the right people, they need to have the need of wanting to open up and share their stories to help others. That’s what this comes down to really, giving people the chance to write to help themselves but also to help others.
So… let the journey begin.
“Depression. Something that is very real. Something that is very serious. Something that I have had to overcome and deal with since I was little however specifically since the spring of 2011. I have had to fight every day... some days have been better than others. Yet some people believe it isn't real and it is something people do just for attention. Boy I wish that was the case because I would gladly give this battle up any day.
I've returned to my past and begun to talk with someone weekly to try and help me battle my inner demons. To help me fight this disease. It's something I'd like to overcome with the help of Jeff. Can I pinpoint one thing that made me the way I am... no. You're probably wondering why I'm sharing this all with you, many of you won't care and with think it's absolutely ridiculous that I'm doing this. However I'm not doing it for attention I'm doing to help others who battle this same disease. So feel free to judge me all you want. I’m reaching out to others to let them know they are not alone. You don’t need to hide your depression and anxiety anymore.
Jeff told me the other day, "It can always get better, unless you are dead," and it hit me hard. Do I struggle to understand when others take their own lives? No I don’t. That might be extremely hard for others to accept however after Jeff said what he said to me it changed my view. I want things to get better. I want each day to get easier. And if I'm dead it won't, it'll just be over.
Support is what is needed not bashing and shaming for battling depression. It's not like all of us who battle depression chose to be this. We just are... and we just need you.
With that I will be taking a break from all social media, my battle with depression and anxiety has begun to get the best of me. Social media is only making things worse during this difficult time in my life. I have battled this far too long and recently it has become much worse for me.
I will be back, hopefully sooner rather than later. But I need to find myself and become healthier - both mentally and physically. I promise you I will be okay and I will see you all soon enough.
If you need me, please feel free to text or call me. My cell phone number is 612-219-3056. Please let me know who you are if I don’t already have you’re number.
I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers.”
The above message was posted on my Facebook page on January 4th of this year. I am hopeful that people gained insight about who I am from that post. I have always tried to put on a happy face in the eye of the public. I have always tried to make it seem like everything is great in the eye of the public. I realize that no one is perfect and everyone has demons. Some people can cope with them better than others but… some people’s demons are much worse than others. The effort some people must put forth every day to fight them can be mentally and physically exhausting. But we can do it, you can do it. Have faith and remember we are here for each other.
I know you are probably thinking that I didn’t really say anything in this blog post, but I wasn’t planning on it. I just wanted to share a little glimpse of who I was. I just wanted to share a little glimpse of my vision for “Speaking our Mind” and hopefully you will return for my next blog post.
“Be here tomorrow.”
I’ll see you soon,
Hello and welcome...
You’re here because you know me. Well I shouldn’t say you know me but you know of me and you got this link from my page. I appreciate you taking the time to visit this blog and reading the very first post on it.
Let me give you a little info about me and then I’ll touch on my vision for this blog. I am a simple man who battles some inner demons. Writing helps me cope with those demons and that’s why I am here. Instead of writing in my journal I have decided to take to the World Wide Web. This gives me the chance to share my thoughts and hopefully help others in the process. I am not a good writer by any means but that is not the point. I write because it helps me. It gets me to the next day and it keeps me from completely giving up. I will be sharing my thoughts, my stories, and my visions. And along the way I might even throw some other random things on here.
That was a little about me, you will learn more about me in my blog posts at a later time. My vision for this blog... well this is where it gets interesting (well at least to me).. I want this to be a place for multiple writers to be able to go to express any and all thoughts. I want this to be a place for writers to come and tell their stories. I want this to be a place where writers can go to try and help people with their inner demons. And lastly I want this to be a place where people can go for help... and support.
I battle severe depression and anxiety, and millions of other people do as well. I am not alone and you are not alone. I wish I knew of a place I could go to read how other people get through it all and how they survive everyday. I’m sure it exists but I don’t know where. If I can help one person with my thoughts, stories, and visions that’s all that matters to me. One person is all that matters to me. You matter to me. And I hope my words can help.
I am looking for writers and bloggers to join the “Speaking our Mind” team. I want multiple people writing posts every week. A constant flow of thoughts, ideas, stories, and visions being posted on this blog. I want 100s and 1000s of people to turn to us for help and advice. I want to be there for other people. I want to help others. You don’t need to be an outstanding writer to join the team, you just need to have the will to help others and share real stories & visions. That’s all you need to be able to do.
Please read my first “real” blog post for an idea of what I am looking for and what the “Speaking our Mind” team is looking for. If you would like to apply to become a writer/blogger for us please contact me on my cell phone (612-219-3056) or send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Spots are extremely limited as I am looking for 3 to 5 people right now, so let me know if you are interested as soon as possible.
Thank you all for the support. I hope I can help others as much as they have helped me.
I’ll see you soon,